Selfish or Selfless January 23, 2010

Hello All,

Once again I have forgotten about this blog. I am sorry to everyone, writers and readers alike. I know I haven’t written

for a long time and its about time i start writing again. I’m in this weird dilemma readers. I’ve asked myself this

question for some time now and I jus need to ramble on about it. The question deals with long distance relationships.

Is it good to be with someone is they are far away? I know I’ve heard the whole shebang about how long distance

relationships just don’t work. What happens when long distance relationships don’t work? Is it that the feelings

between two people just diminish just as the physical closeness diminishes with distance? Or is it that one partner

merely feels selfish for keeping the feelings and the love of someone who can be happier without this commitment.

What do you do when you feel guilty and selfish for keeping these feelings, when the partner has the potential to be

with someone else who can not only be mentally close to them but physically close to them. This other partner

could be happy, carefree, and in love with another person in the same vicinity as them. The partner wouldn’t have to

struggle with the pain of being apart. There wouldn’t have to be any tedious planning of spending time together, only

on special occasions (holidays and such). Couples in the same vicinity can just spend time freely without having to

plan every single second so it doesn’t have to be wasted. Being in a relationship is hard as it, long distance

relationships are that much harder. This partner can be happy, move on with their life, be carefree, etc. without the

commitment of their other half being far away. How can you not feel selfish with their feelings. The real question of

long distance relationship is whether to be selfish or selfless? Stay selfish by being with this person who has the

potential to be happy without you. You’ll be happy for now, but what about the long run? Or to be selfless and let the

partner go. Let the partner fulfill this potential to be happy and free. The effect of this is that you’ll be broken-hearted

and in pain for this moment and for however long until you heal. After all time heals everything right? How does the

saying go, “If you love something, set it free.” Why is it so hard to let go. I don’t think anyone wants to let their

feelings go. Selfish or Selfless? I can’t and I’m not sure I want to answer this question or if it is even necessary to

answer thisquestion. The answers to either are too hard to face the reality of. Then again the future period is too hard

to face thereality of. 

-♥ Jacqueline

Androgynous November 28, 2009

Hello,

Yes I am still living. Living is okay for right now, I mean everything can be better of course. I could be a millionaire, have my own home and have a pool filled with pudding and all that nonsense that people dream about having. But nope I’m just living. I’m happy I suppose, that’s a good thing. I’m alive and well and so is everyone around me. All is well. I am up as always. This night owl works best at night and in the dark. So whats on my mind tonight? Hmm um well maybe this whole categorization of what a female and male ought to be. I’ve grown up to know that girls like pink, dolls, diamonds, shiny pretty things, home making, arts and crafts, cooking, etc. And boys like blue, automobiles, sports, video games, electronics, raunchy gross things etc. What if you’re a girl who happens to like boy stuff? AKA Me, I feel as if this is a blessing and a curse. I love hanging out with the guys, being one of the boys, whatever you want to call it, but I still would like to be seen as a girl and not just one of the boys. I love comics, video games, technology, raunchy humor, and more stuff that men love. Hanging out with guys is tons of fun, but it’s as if they totally forget and neglect the feminine side of me. The fact that I literally have different parts than them and also that I still have XX chromosomes don’t pass their mind at all. Once your in as a buddy or pal with one of your guys friends its all over and its as if they have forever put you in the category of one of the boys. You are doomed to stay there for the rest of your relationship. The blessing being you are officially gonna be their pal, the downfall being that now they think you also have a penis, or at least they act that way. I’m just stuck in this middle, where I wanna keep being one of the boys but I’d love to be a girl sometimes and for them to recognize that I am one too.  Oh not only am I a girl who likes things men like, I’m a STRAIGHT girl who likes things men like. Me being a straight female does not mean I enjoy or am really attracted to women. I can tell you if she is good-looking and attractive, but does this mean I want to constantly look or notice women’s cleavage or their other ample sized assets. The answer is no. I just smile and agree, but never will  I ever be truly attracted to women as much as my guy friends are. I have no problem in my friends looking. It’s human for males to look whether straight, gay, bi, whatever. Men like to look and will look all the time. That’s healthy and fine for men to do this. I really don’t care if you do look, but you don’t have to tell me all the time. Every once in a while is fine, but all the time is like women overload.  Also sometimes it makes me bit self-conscious.  It makes me doubt my own looks. I mean I don’t love the way I look, but I am okay with how I look. I wouldn’t count myself as a beauty, but I am average. With all the attention men give to how women look sometimes it feels like as if attraction is ONLY from outward appearances. That people are really just that shallow. Which I know my friends and this isn’t true, but attraction is a key player.  Another problem I have is the whole attraction thing, I don’t know how to attract without coming off as a cool new friend/boy. Do my friends/men not notice me at all. I have no idea. It seems as if I am just going to be the girl who will be the perpetual friend to all men. I’m in limbo :/ It’s okay I’ll deal for now, this is what I’m going to have to do.

-<3 Jacqueline

LOVE! September 14, 2009

I MISS YOU!!!

-<3 Jacqueline

I don’t know… September 9, 2009

Hey there (mainly talking to myself)

I don’t really understand anything right now. I don’t know what direction I am going in. I can’t see what I am doing in a year, much less a week, or even a few days. I don’t get to see anyone but myself, who is slowly deteriorating as time goes by. I feel as if I am becoming a hollow shell. I have my living needs such as eating and sleeping, but nothing is that enjoyable anymore. I put on a fake smile and go on to make others happy. I miss people more than they can know and it hurts. I try to forget or concentrate on other things except there is not much else to do. You run out of things to do and when you do you’re just left with this crying, heaving, sad lump and then you realize it’s you that is this crying, heaving, sad lump. I don’t know who I am anymore. As shallow as this seems, I look into a mirror and hate what I see. I used to semi-like what I saw, but now I hate it. I don’t want to be who I see in that wretched mirror. I wish it was a lie and this mirror was deceiving me, but it’s not. I absolutely hate what I see, I think maybe I can jus wear make-up or put on another outfit, but I can still see my face. If you look at my face it’s a dead give away of how I am feeling. I’m not good at hiding my emotions even if I try, or who knows maybe I am good at it after all no one around me looks at my face and can tell I’m not happy. I understand I’m not pretty, I never have been but, right now it’s not even an I’m ok with myself when I look in the mirror it’s a hate, loathe, detest against myself. I feel this deep down in the pit of my heart everytime I look at myself. AND Fuck these tears that won’t stop. Why can’t they stop and why won’t they just stop. Anytime I am alone they seem to come up. I feel it in my heart first then before you know it they are streaming down from my eyes, down my cheeks, to my chin, and lastly to my hands that feel the wetness and makes me come to the realization of what I am doing. Crying. I am so over crying, its so yesterday like that Hilary Duff song (Sorry gotta lighten up this article up somewhere, I hope I made u laugh even a little). I’m just plain ol’ not happy.  This is it I suppose, there is nothing else to say and I am done typing with tear-soaked fingers. I am done doing anything with tear-soaked fingers. Goodnight.

 – Jacqueline

Birthdays, Vlogs, and Demi OH MY! August 21, 2009

Hola lovelies,

I am from that place called Southern California I guess I should be a bit more multi-cultural so I shall start with Hola. Thank you for all the Chicanos for making me who I am – thumbs up to u-… which is an Asian girl :/ But most of all An AMERICAN! You all should now imagine an Asian girl with an American Flag waving in the background while she tears her shirt … AND underneath is the Superwoman S. I guess that wasn’t that cool most of us Asian women are sadly underdeveloped, but it was a risqué and attention getting move.

I realize it is about due time for me to write on this thing and so I am here to entertain the Internet again with my absolute genius or complete stupidity. Either one I will take, anything to get my audience entertained. Also there is the fact that I can’t sleep. Why must the lack of sleep always seem to be the case. As a matter of fact I realize that possibly 90% of my blog posts have been because of the fact that I could not sleep. This might be a dramatization but ehhh I’m not going to calculate it. So while all of you gain, I lose… sleep anyway. Okay I’m rambling need to get to a point somewhere in this post…. think Jackie think! Umm.. well school is about to start for those who I love and are currently going to school. I still have no idea what I’m doing right at this moment or in life. That’s promising I think.

So I forgot that I had a webcam until today and I’m now thinking up ideas of maybe doing some vlogs. Yes I mean those video blogs. This is so you all can see me. That’s a scary image, but literally that IS a scary image. I’m not yet sure if I want you guys to actually see me in my natural habitat. Who knows there could be some stalkers wandering the web who just happen to find me, their prey EEEEKKKK SCARY! Just kidding but if I do plan to come up with some vlogs you all will see them posted up. Oh and for those of you who want to keep up with me and well just wanna know what I’m doing and feeling at ALL times my twitter is LoveOfCardigans be careful kiddies I do twitter a lot though I like people knowing about me. Oh gosh what am I doing? I will now certainly have stalkers especially if you are following me on twitter. Ehh I’ll take my chances. Oh what the heck here’s my facebook too just click here . I might not be your friend automatically, but if you specify to me you read my blog I might give you some leeway.

So today, well more like yesterday but I haven’t slept yet so I’m saying its today, is a couple people’s Birthday the most important is my friend Amber’s birthday. Happy Happy and a million times more Happy Birthday love. Next is my friend’s dad’s birthday and also it’s his parents anniversary ^u^ so Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary it’s quite cute if I don’t say so myself. Next up is not that important… ok so I’m lying it is very important it’s Demi Lovato’s birthday hehehe. Okay so it’s not that important but I am partial to her and I do love her, after all she is my Disney Twin. I celebrated her 17th birthday by listening to her album, which I am doing now while I write this blog teehee My favorite song used to be Catch Me, but it’s changing and for right now it’s Stop the World. This is because in the song Catch me she says the word Catch weirdly and for the lyric “like a child running scared from a clown” not my favorite lyric Miss Lovato. I do really like her whole album though besides that lyric and her pronunciation problem. Also to celebrate I watched Streetrat’s new videos which made this day even better. Just click on streetrat to see the webpage and this is the video I watched to celebrate It is without a doubt hilarious. You all should check out this video and streetrat’s other videos.

Hhhmmm what else should I write…

…

…

…

Let’s see I almost went blank for a second but my Mother is set on this cleansing cabbage soup diet and unfortunately she has got me on board with her. I think a fitting title to her ship on which I am now sailor to should be called the S.S. Death of Starvation. I am sure to die on this little dingy, but I am gonna do it. I am starting it tomorrow. I’ll probably, like the title of her ship, Die of Starvation haha. We shall see my darlings.

Ugh talking about birthdays I realize my own is coming up soon. I hate my birthday, it’s a horrid day of which I grow older every year. It’s not like I don’t enjoy presents, those are always nice hehe, but its the recognition from not only myself but everyone else that I am a year older. When I wake up I get to hear happy birthday from my family and friends then everywhere I go I can hear other people say happy birthday also. How do they know I’m just guessing it was the Devil. Yes I’m sure he put a post-it note on his calendar at his desk, I’m just presuming it’s made of a nice dark cherry red wood, and put out a mass email to his cohorts to remind everyone in the world it is my birthday. Either this or he put out a bulletin on which those annoying little pull off tabs went flying everywhere to everyone. Well I guess it’s better to be told happy birthday than for people to forget your birthday or that you exist. Thanks Devil for loving me so! Or at least it’s not like my father who has forgotten my birthday for about the last 10 years of my life. What a great guy he is. Okay I’m just a little bitter… Maybe a lot. I did just put the devil at a bit higher esteem than my own father. Ehh I love the man no one said I had to like him or say nice things about him anyway.

Okay well I think I am out of juice and winding down to say goodbye. But I promise to write in you again, someday <3

Love Ya,

Jacqueline

Put your life on hold August 1, 2009

OLLEH!!! (hello for those who don’t read backwards, I’ve just run out of ways to say hello and begin these things we call blogs.)

I am just wasting my time for the time being and waiting for someone to pick me up. I’m going to hang out with some of my friends tomorrow. I miss them and it’ll be fun. What I am NOT doing is going to my cousin’s birthday party. Again I am sorry, but I am just not going even though I love  everyone that is going to be there very dearly.

I didn’t do much today. I stayed home today and hung out with my mom, while my brothers left to go help with the decorating of my cousin’s party. It is going to be a black and white party with a semi-formal dress code. Apparently the fact I’m not going caused some what of a stir. Oh the things I do on my dad’s side of the family are never truly approved of, but what the heck I’ll do them anyway for my own shits and giggles :/ I don’t understand why it is that I just don’t fit in. I have come to terms that I am slightly socially awkward (or so they say and believe) and different from them, but there is no absolute no approval. They just deal with me and accept me (if you can call it acceptance) because they love me somewhere in there, they love me. I love them too, but do I like them… I’m not so sure.

Oh well tomorrow is another day, which means another adventure. I am sure to have some fun tomorrow and hopefully get over this guilt I feel from my dad’s side of the family and just let go. ”This is what it’s like on a fantasy… put your life on hold” (Mates of State- For the Actor) I hope I feel like this tomorrow, I need to put what I have in my life on hold even just for a day.

Ok kiddies I’m off to another adventure and I gotta jet, I’ll be seeing ya

-<3 Jacqueline

Meh :/ July 31, 2009

Hello readers,

So life is moving on. My soap opera of a life is still as dramarific as always and always a new dramatic situation at that. Everything is different yet the same. Family dramas different but the same feeling. My Great Aunt has left she decided to make her trip to America short, she missed her family very much.  My great aunt’s stay here was a dramatic one. There were too many altercations between her and my grandmother. It’s just a new world for my great aunt since she is from Vietnam and she doesn’t understand American customs. Also My grandmother and her have a lot of heated history and bad blood between them. With my aunt being here you would think she’d love the freedom and the ease of the American lifestyle, but nope she was bored half of the time. I’m not sure if she even enjoyed it a little bit. I hope she enjoyed my company at least or the company of the rest of the family. Apparently everyone is bragging about how beautiful my little brother is, ppssshhtt whatever. Just kidding he is a pretty good looking kid. We drove her to the airport and got there by 10 and stayed with her til around 1. Her flight wasn’t until 3 in the morning. There were some problems regarding her luggage. There is a weight limit for the amount of pounds you can bring along with you on a flight. Unfortunately the luggage exceeded the weight limit, but it exceeded it by just a small purse. This caused such a stir with China Airlines that this little purse cost my grandmother $109 dollars. She was livid! She was so frustrated she just paid the airlines and then we got such rough service with the baggage. My poor grandparents and great aunt. Oh well she is safe and sound now back in Vietnam.To continue with the drama in Vietnam my great aunt’s son might have gambled my grandmother’s house in Vietnam. I don’t know what is going on, but apparently my great aunt’s son isn’t the greatest guy

On Saturday is my cousin Linh’s birthday party. I’m not going and that’s it PERIOD. I have other plans with other people and my family and other friends of my family are guilt tripping me into going. I feel really bad that I’m not going, but I really don’t want to go. One of my friends who is friends with the family just told me that I’m a person who chooses friends over family and that family is more important so why am I not going. I love my family no matter what, but sometimes I just don’t wanna be put into a situation where its uncomfortable for me. I love them very much I just know it will be uncomfortable for me because my dad’s side of the family is so different from me. I am so sorry. I feel so guilty about this I honestly hope me not going doesn’t haunt me later.

ok I am done writing I suppose. I am just not in it today. Nothing funny, just kinda blah.

- <3 Jacqueline

All is…. meh :/ July 19, 2009

Hiya!!!! -ninja kick-

Just felt like a dramatic entrance was the way to go -thumbs up- (if you do not want to read about Disney stuff, which I know you all do, but if you dont please dont read in between the ditted lines)

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So I’m listening some songs from the new Demi Lovato album. I love it so much. I am not embarrassed only slightly to say that I love her music and shes jus plain adorable. I know this Disney obsession is going farther off the deep end than I thought.

To add along with that I watched the episodes of Wizards on deck with Hannah Montana. It was ehhh :/ I’m not a fan of Wizards of Waverly Place. Selena Gomez/Alex Russo with her rude punkiness and practical jokes. The only reason to watch is for David Henrie/Justin Russo who’s the real hottie of the show  and I’m also not a big fan of  The Suite Life on Deck annoying twins. I can do without those shows just keep David Henrie . But I love Hannah Montana so I stayed tuned to the television and watched. It was mediocre. I didn’t enjoy it that much. The episodes in consecutive order was first the Wizards of Waverly Place, then The Suite Life on Deck, then the Hannah Montana episode. None of the characters on Hannah Montana were on the Wizards episode and vice versa none of the characters on Wizards were on the Hannah Montana episode. The people of Suite Life seemed to be the only connecting link at all. Coincidence?? I think not! Too much animosity between Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus I think especially with the best friend girlfriend stealing and because Demi Lovato is dating Trace Fug-Face Cyrus, Selena can’t deal. It’s like betrayal to poor Selena (AKA weirdly shaped headed lesbian girl, yes this nickname is longer than her actual name. Do u have a problem with that?). I don’t necessarily like Selena but its sad that the relationship between Demi and Selena is in a way broken. Why do you have to date Fug-Face!!!! Why Demi!!! I know he’s a “musician” and that’s all hot and stuff, but hes twenty years old love, your a baby! Date someone your age, he can still be a musician its ok. Just not fug-face ok! and hey your best friend girlfriend or whatever you guys are needs to stay the way it is. Hey the evidence is on TWITTER!!! I’m not getting my facts from out of the blue! But anyway the episodes were mediocre. I don’t remember much of it anyway because of the fact that I didn’t like it.

Oh well moving on I watched the 2 part special of Hannah Montana “He could be the one”. It was sooo fricken adorable, it had many implied inappropriate jokes. That’s just the way Plus the adorable song and the unforgettable quotes such as “Nacho cheese”, “The walrus sings at midnight”, “you just kissed a ceramic monkey and then broke up with it”, and a lot more. Who does she chooses Jake the on-again off-again love of her life or the new bad boy guitarist Jesse??? You can go watch and find out for yourself, I’m not telling!!! All in all it is absolutely adorable.  Go watch it people.

More of Disney love to go along with this is that I love the shows Sonny with a Chance and Jonas. I am turning into such a loser. Both hilarious and cute, the only bad part is the show Jonas when they sing. Please close your mouths boys. I can’t take the high pitched screaming anymore. By all means just stop. Also surprisingly everyones’ least favorite Kevin is the funniest of the three.

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Life is okay. A lot of stuff to deal with. I feel as if I live in a soap opera at times. There is always some scandalous event happening in my house. Who needs a telanovela (well more like Vietnamese drama) when you can just come down to my house. There has to be a way I can SAP Vietnamese language to translate for people or maybe real life subtitles/better yet dubbing with absolutely horrible simple translations of Vietnamese.You can find me in this Viet Drama, I’ll be the girl at the front door selling tickets to get inside; also a small part in the family as the oldest daughter. Hopefully I can get some profit off of my crazy family from this equally crazy economy. Not to put my family on blast or anything, I just wish people would chillax like in Canada. (the word chillax originated from Canada or so said my friend) Well I will learn to live with it and time does heal everything or so they say. I really need to not get my information from so many other people’s hearsay anymore.

As much as I love my family, I’d love to get as far away from them as I can. I need space. I don’t get any, I am always with them 24/7 hearing, listening, seeing, doing things with them. I miss my friends. I miss having conversations face to face with people who I love other than people who are my family. I miss everyone not related to me. I miss that old man I used to see all the time just walking his old dog on the sidewalk down the street in Highland (I don’t see him walk anymore I wonder where he went, I honestly hope he is okay) I miss people I don’t even know.  I miss the surroundings of the places I used to go. It hasn’t been a long period of time, but I’m allowed to miss them. Especially because I can see them so clearly in my head. With all the junk, trash, gossip, drama, LIFE that is going on in my head I can still see all the things I miss dearly. People reading this might think that I am being dramatic, but I don’t care I feel what I feel and I miss what I miss. What can be done of that? It’s not as if I can go in reverse and stop feeling because guess what …I’m human and this is what humans do, they feel. Even a person like me who hates showing emotions or suppresses them from floating to the surface, I feel. It sucks but I deal with it. Just wanted to let everyone know that I miss and love you guys a lot.

Okay I think this is my exit. I’ll be seeing more of you in the bloggerverse bye

<3 Jacqueline

New Friends on the way July 7, 2009

Salutations,

Sorry I was watching Charlotte’s Web, the cartoon one not the live action one with that little alien Dakota Fanning. Isn’t it strange how things can change within one whole day. Well significant changes. I have my small fits of whatever I was feeling yesterday. I am tired of feeling this though. I know everything has their ups and downs, but what happens when it seems like its more down than up. I don’t like it and I know no one else likes it either. Maybe it is just a test that I have to go through and will get better with time. I am better and obviously the isolation failed, but I didn’t say it even started anyway. I will have to try again because I know I will feel like that again sooner. It comes and goes, but when it comes it seems to come harder and more frequently. It keeps coming back sooner and sooner. But moving on I am feeling a bit cheerier than yesterday, bit being the keyword in this.

 Took a glance at Fail Blog today http://failblog.org/ got a good laugh at a few things such as:  

and many other things. You just have to find out for yourself.

So I realized everyone is going to Disneyland tomorrow, except for me. I’m going to have the house to myself. It’ll be nice and peaceful. I have no idea what to do yet. One of my friends suggested PORN TIME, but I politely declined that suggestion with a HARD and FIRM…… no. My list so far consists of swimming  in the pool and umm well swimming in the pool. I think the answer will be swimming in the pool. Maybe I could spontaneously…swim in the pool. Maybe I’ll just walk around the pool and without thinking about it just jump in fully clothed. I’ll just trick myself. I’ll trick myself into thinking that there is a port key at the bottom of the pool that will take me directly to Hogwarts… good plan jack, good plan. I am patting myself on the back as we speak.   I think that might be the bit of spontaneityI need in my life. Well never mind, writing about it makes it not spontaneous. Lets see what else could I do. Hhhmmm???  I was thinking about making more friends. Maybe I can go door to door around my neighborhood and ask if they’re looking for a friend. I’ll be their special friend if you know what I mean.  -thunderous laughs- Well seriously I need to add more people to my repertoire of friends. I love the friends I have now, but the more the merrier. I think the commencement of friend auditions will be greatly appreciated to not only me, but the friends I already have. I will put out an ad at once. The subjects of criteria needed include: FUNNY, male or female (prefer male, usually funner if they’re male, willing to do more things ;] ), nerdy (but not socially awkward nerdy), please do not be emotional (I hate crying), and that’s about it. If you fit all these requirements than please by all means come to the auditions they will be placed at my house (or better yet just leave me a comment or something lol). I can see the people lined up now. Hopefully I find a new friend in a jiffy. Jiffy Lube ok I will stop these sexual innuendos. Maybe I should just get my own show, like Paris Hilton. But way more awesome!  I will put them through rigorous challenges in which to see who will be in my new set of friends. In the latest commercial of that Paris Hilton best friend show the prospective BFFs are carrying little Paris dolls, I think this can be adapted for my own show. They can hold little Jacquelines, who they can dress and take care of, Tell her jokes, kiss her on her lil head, tell her bedtime stories before she goes to bed, tuck her in. Thats all I want -single tear- I just want LOVE! If your interested in a cool, awesome, funny, Asian girl as a friend this is where to look!

Another story of the day. I was sitting on the couch and the next thing I know I hear my mom say is “Boner Point”. A young confused girl as I had no idea but to panic and search for the closest weapon. Only to realize that my mother had thought the host on the television had said “Boner Point’ when in actuality he had said ‘Bonus Point”.  

Ok I guess that’s all I have for the night. I will see you tomorrow I promise my loves.

<3 Jacqueline

(P.S. Auditions to start tomorrow, be there or be square!!!)

Isolation July 5, 2009

It’s been a long time my love but I have returned!

 

A lot and also nothing has happened at the same time. I am no longer in Northridge. I moved back to my mom’s house. It’s like the smell of defeat… I’m actually getting used to the smell. I lost my iPhone I’m not sure that any of you guys even knew I had an iPhone but I did. RIP baby -tears streaming down my face- I am pregnant…. oops WTF NO I’m not. Sorry wrong person.  Besides that life is the same. I has it’s ups and downs. Mainly downs right now but I’m sure the ups will be here in no time. I’m just annoyed, confused and fricken HOT right now. I absolutely hate the summer. I don’t like hot weather. Why can’t it be Fall all of the time? It’s pretty and the weather is perfect. Oh well what can I do I guess the earth must spin while rotating around the sun.

 

Moving on with life. I’m just confused right now. I’m on the cusp of deciding to completely go into isolation (not you wordpress, not from you! I hope the blog gods did not hear me) or just coasting on whatever life I have now. Isolation meaning no contact with anyone. I just wanna be alone. I am always with people (mainly my family) and the people I do want to be with are in other places, but then again I have no idea if they want me to be hanging out with them anyway. People have their own shit to deal with and I am not helping any. I just don’t know anymore. There are people I want to help but don’t want me to help them and there are people who I wish would be there more often but they aren’t. I think maybe the best thing is to just go away for a little while, let nature and time cure things on its own. Maybe me popping out of the picture could possibly be a good thing not only for myself to gather whatever life I have right now, but also everyone else. I feel like such an annoyance to people sometimes and then I ask myself why I even bother to try. Isolation would benefit me to just learn to be myself, find myself and then after I can get back to being a friend to other people. I can see the benefits, but also I can see the downfall to my plan. I’m not sure if I am strong enough to just leave, go, stop everything and breathe. I will miss too many people and knowing me I’ll fail at this isolation plan. I’m a worrier and I hate it. It’s like I need everyone else to be ok, before I can be ok. Also I can’t stop thinking, this has got to be some kind of psychological problem right? I wish it was. I’m still thinking about everything. I don’t know how long this Isolation will be, maybe a few days. a few weeks, a month I don’t know. As long as it takes to just let go and forget about everything. I know I always same the same thing or at least I think about it all the time. Maybe one day I just need to do it and do it soon before I breakdown. Maybe I’m jus having a bad day, or more bad days than I should in a row and this will pass or I really do need isolation from EVERYONE to cool off and let go. We’ll see if this isolation commences or not.

 

I just never feel like I am enough for anyone. I love everyone very much. I’ll hopefully write back soon.

 

<3 Jacqueline