So God decided to Smite us these last few days

To the last of the Human Race

So like a few days ago It was raining (like a million inches a minute) and now its windy (like a million miles a minute), next thing you know its gonna be a huge drought, then locust, and lastly a plague and everyone dies. Yupperoni, We are all going to die. I really have nothing to say right now, I am so boring right now and I don’t want to be. I’M SORRY!  😦 I walk into the dorm with many a insect munching on my flesh and say in a monotone voice “God SMOTE me with locust”

(P.S. I’m so not funny right now and I am sorry to anyone who is reading this and does not find this in anyway humorous)

GOODbye ♥

Jacqueline

Its Raining, Its Pouring, The Old Man is now DEAD from Flooding

Dear Anyone,

(note that this was written like a day or 2 before this is posted) 

Its raining and I have never hated rain this much in my life. So I live in California and I have no idea what real rain is like in other regions of the world, but I don’t give a flying fishstick (get it water!). I thought I loved rain until it started to rain and it wouldn’t stop. I bet you anything that people in New Orleans that got hit by Hurricane Katrina were totally like I love rain and ran out from eating their Jambalya and Gumbo (Love both, Delicioso!) and started singing in the rain. “I love RAIN!” says the Nawlin’s community.  -A few days later and much more rain – “I FUCKING HATE RAIN!”

Peace ♥

Jacksie                                                                                                                  

Three Signs of Suckitude

I HATE MY CLASSES!

It’s official, I hate all of my classes. Every single one of them. This Semester is gonna suck a whole bunch of ASS! I have 5 classes all sucking with the same magnitude.

My first class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays is Math and it makes me want to kill myself . My instructor is rated as absolutely FUCKING HORRIBLE on RateMyProfessor.com and I thought NO I could do it, I could pass and conquer this class! I was too optimistic, Yes ME the debbiest of all Debbie Downers was optimistic (well kinda, I knew this semester was gonna suck but I didn’t know what level of suckitude it would be). So I skip and sing-song into class and then right when I get in I basically want to walk right back out, but I can’t, I just continue to walk to an empty seat. Imagine while I’m walking to that seat a grey cloud starts to develop and grow at a dizzying speed. My once little cloud is not a monsterous size, and it just keeps growing. Its like after everytime this so-called “professor” keeeps speaking in this thick accent, my cloud grows and not only is it growing, it is pouring down rain (OR what I’m guessing the tears of small children and babies). I feel the pain of all the children in the world now, as I keep listening to this wretched man. Finally it is over and I tell the children to take 10. Exactly the amount of minutes before my next class which I feel the same about. I only have 10 minutes to prepare myself for the next tear-fest. Oh Whoopie! =(

Now that I have given myself 10 mins to prepare and give the children rest on their tearducts. I take my first step into the class. This wasn’t as bad as the first, but still bad. The workload doesn’t seem as bad, but then again it’s english and I can write kinda decent. So everything was good and all with the professor speaking about the rules, guidelines, assignments, etc. UNTIL she (the professor is a woman) comes up and smiles then says ICEBREAKER! Nightmare of my life. Icebreakers are one of the things I hate besides EVIL MONKEYS. This once nice younger woman, who I thought was a good and wholesome person transforms in front of our eyes into a SUCCUBUS! For those who have no idea what a Succubus is I will define this for you:

Succubus – Succubus (or in plural form Succubi) are demons who transform into women to seduce and lure people and after they have lured you in they torture.

p.s. this is an extremely basic definition

This bitch of a succubus had lured me in and right when I felt safe she backhanded me with a bitchslap right in the face, not my arm, no swing and a miss, NO! It was straight to the face, there is a demon’s handprint on the cheek of my face. And let me tell you it BURNS. Burns with the vengance of every wolverine baby left alone without a mother. So now I leave this class with a fiery handprint engraved on my face.

My last class of today was my American History. I walk in and I find a seat already soaked from the the tears of children and the shame of an engraved handprint in this once optimistic face. This class starts off ok I suppose. He starts with the fact that 30% of the students will fail this class. Oh so now I am going to fail! I felt him look right into the eyes of the damned (ME) and in the eyes you know what I saw, I saw the sign YOU ARE FUCKED! Well this damned soul didn’t feel so great. After this he said to us that if we don’t drop out of this class before it’s too late the only one who can help us is God. He said we had better be Moses of the Bulrushes if we wanted saving.  Oh great I got stuck with EL DIABLO as the professor.

At the end of the day I was wept on by children, backhanded by a Succubus, and then was used as the Devil’s play thing. And I have two other classes which I wish not to speak about, I am two mortified.

Not only this but there are all of these other factors which include money, books, and life. Just other horrible things to think about in my life which I still weirdly appreciate. Why? I cannot answer that question, but I know eventually the answer will come.

♥ Jacqueline

WGA Strike AHHH! The Death of Me!

Dear People of the Internet,

Today has been a absolute waste of a day. I have done nothing productive and slept in until 3:00 PM, well I kinda went to slept at 5 in the morning the same day. For the last few days I have been sleeping really late and it is really taking a toll on me, because I only wake up late in the afternoons now and do nothing when I get up, but probably eat, and I guess in a sense live. I also check up on the WGA Strike everyday (gosh I am so tired of waiting and waiting for writers to get what they deserve for their work!), and watch anything I could get my funnies from, including G4, and www.FunnyOrDie.com. 

The funniest video I have watched recently is this video called “Between two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis”, it is hilarious. It is an interview with Zach Galifianakis! (:>) and Michael Cera (<3).  Galifianakis is the interviewer and Cera is the inteviewee. Everyone has to watch it, it is so funny. After I watched it the first time, I watched it again a million more times. You can watch it by clicking on the link (cause this embed thing isn’t working right now for som GOD FORSAKEN REASON! SMITE YOU GOD) —> http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e8e4424115

Also with this I have been watching a video I already watched over and over again. It is the Will Ferrell and Adam McKay video of The Landlord with a baby named Pearl acting like a baby shouldn’t. Hilarious. Many people are really angry with the fact that they are letting a baby talk in such a vulgar way, but I’m sure the baby doesn’t even remember these words in the first place. Baby Pearl probably was just doing a mimicing thing that lots of children do, so I don’t really have a problem with it at all. All in all it is really funny. So here it is:  http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/74

To include in the hilarity I’ve been watching a lot of “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!”. My little brothers don’t like it, but I love it. It is the absolute stupidity that you end up laughing on the floor for.

Next up is the David Wain show called Wainy Days. It is on www.MyDamnChannel.com. Wainy days is all about David Wain trying to understand women, so he can himself get with women. Nothing but love for this series. Each video is about 10 to 15 mins long and they are great. When your having a sucky day or good day or anyday at all, go and watch a video of Wainy Days and you will have a good refreshing splash of comedy in your face. 🙂

Happy Laughings,

Jack ♥

Another day goes by . . .

Hello out there to my internet audience,

(which really only include me and maybe a few friends, but what the hey! HELLO INTERNET COMMUNITY!)

I’ve been at home (mom’s house not the dorm) for like a few weeks now, for winter break and let me tell you, it has been a Wonderful  Vacation -wink wink- more like isolation camp 😦 Sadness continues to take over my whole body. I am almost becoming a grey blob of plain ol’ conformity in my mother’s home. I have become accoustomed to social standards and rules that have come with living back with my mom for these past few weeks. Nothing new, just plain n’ simple, boring, you kind of just imagine the teacher from Charlie Brown speaking over and over again. In basic words I am bored! And this state for being absolutely mundane has put a toll on me, I have grown roots and become a couch potato, a computer potato, NO an actual human that is living and also a potato, called a LIFE POTATO. My brother comes to ask me what a Life Potato is, and I tell him in these words:

Scientist Jacqueline: Why Son you have just stomped on one of the UN-WONDERS of the world! A Life Potato specimen is one of most sloth and boring of all the creature of the world. It starts as a HUMAN

Ryan: A HUMAN! OH GEE WILIKERS SIS!

Scientist Jacqueline: Yes young man it starts off as a regular old human, that plays jacks, jumps rope, goes to the local diner and gets a Malt, all the things you and I Humans do. Until something drastic happens, those exciting things such as hopscotch, listening to our favorite record, and going to Sockhops stop happening. The human becomes isolated in a home and does absolutely nothing. 

Ryan: That sounds awfully scary sis!  -starts to cry a little-

Scientist Jacqueline: I know! doesn’t it, well after a few weeks of this behavior, the human transforms and grows roots into the house and continues to do NOTHING for the REST of it’s LIFE! and who knows it could happen to anyone even you!

Ryan: OH MY GOSH! I DON’T WANT IT TO HAPPEN TO ME. Isn’t it great how both you and I haven’t become LIFE POTATOES!  🙂

Scientist Jacqueline: (in a VERY MONOTONE VOICE!) I have brother and SO WILL YOU! AH HA HA HA HA (still in monotone voice)

Ryan: AHHHHH! -RUNS with tears straming down his lil face-

Scientist Jacqueline: (Monotone voice) AND SO WILL YOU! -points at audience-

Alright, That’s all for now folks

Peace out homies!

❤ Jackie