Hey there (mainly talking to myself)

I don’t really understand anything right now. I don’t know what direction I am going in. I can’t see what I am doing in a year, much less a week, or even a few days. I don’t get to see anyone but myself, who is slowly deteriorating as time goes by. I feel as if I am becoming a hollow shell. I have my living needs such as eating and sleeping, but nothing is that enjoyable anymore. I put on a fake smile and go on to make others happy. I miss people more than they can know and it hurts. I try to forget or concentrate on other things except there is not much else to do. You run out of things to do and when you do you’re just left with this crying, heaving, sad lump and then you realize it’s you that is this crying, heaving, sad lump. I don’t know who I am anymore. As shallow as this seems, I look into a mirror and hate what I see. I used to semi-like what I saw, but now I hate it. I don’t want to be who I see in that wretched mirror. I wish it was a lie and this mirror was deceiving me, but it’s not. I absolutely hate what I see, I think maybe I can jus wear make-up or put on another outfit, but I can still see my face. If you look at my face it’s a dead give away of how I am feeling. I’m not good at hiding my emotions even if I try, or who knows maybe I am good at it after all no one around me looks at my face and can tell I’m not happy. I understand I’m not pretty, I never have been but, right now it’s not even an I’m ok with myself when I look in the mirror it’s a hate, loathe, detest against myself. I feel this deep down in the pit of my heart everytime I look at myself. AND Fuck these tears that won’t stop. Why can’t they stop and why won’t they just stop. Anytime I am alone they seem to come up. I feel it in my heart first then before you know it they are streaming down from my eyes, down my cheeks, to my chin, and lastly to my hands that feel the wetness and makes me come to the realization of what I am doing. Crying. I am so over crying, its so yesterday like that Hilary Duff song (Sorry gotta lighten up this article up somewhere, I hope I made u laugh even a little). I’m just plain ol’ not happy.  This is it I suppose, there is nothing else to say and I am done typing with tear-soaked fingers. I am done doing anything with tear-soaked fingers. Goodnight.

 — Jacqueline